Purple Vanilla World

Trigger warning: The following work explores trauma through themes of violence, sexual content, self-harm, and other potentially triggering topics. Proceed with care.

My love,
Where did you go?

Where did my love go?

Why is your light no longer shining?
Was it me? Something I said?
Am I bad? Is this all in my head?

Your soul burns brighter than the brightest star,
A warmth that can be seen and felt from afar.

You are pure, you are kind.
But flames can be extinguished, even stars eventually die.

My star, my sun, my warmth, my light,
Gone and darker than the darkest night.

My love,
Where did you go?
Where did my love go?

Gone for how long? An hour? A week?
Fuck, the world is so bleak.

Your motionless face imprinted in my brain.
Shrouded in nothing but pain.

Oh no, I know that face.
He’s going away, it’s time to brace.

Vacant stares, insincere I’m okays,
Shrouds my thoughts with an uncertain haze.

Not allowed in, an impenetrable tomb,
Just sit and watch the darkness consume.

Watching my love in inconceivable pain,
Nothing that can be done, all efforts in vain.

Powerless waves break the shore,
The struggle inside waging a war.
Terror ensues and questions arise,
Is this it? Will this be our demise?

The star implodes, it creates a black hole,
Smothering all light, barreling out of control.

Words twisted like daggers in the gut,
“I’m just trying to help!” but all doors slam shut.

And now I must wait,
And accept my fate.

Pushing turns to shoving,
There is no more loving.

Hope, now extinguished and frayed,
Dizzying heartbreak and traumas replayed.

This could be it, this is the end,
Too sickening to even comprehend.

All I can do is to cry and to pine,
Fuck it’s so hard, I want to resign.

Exhaustion takes over, the stress is subdued,
No tears left to cry, becoming unglued.

Apathy rolls in like fog on a beach,
What’s the point? He’s so out of reach.

I feel so trapped and alone,
I think I might explode.

I feel like I need to run far away from here,
Pack up and go, just disappear.

If I stay I may get high,
Or worse I could kill myself and die.

But leaving would end in death,
The love of my life may take his last breath.

A coffin made of steel,
Fuck I wish we could just heal.

Please my love, if you can hear me,
If you can listen to my plea.

Come back to me, I need you,
Come back to me, I love you.

Please.
Please.
Please.

I’m begging, I’m screaming,
Please tell me I’m just dreaming.

Desperate to hold you,
Desperate to love you.

Let me, my love, let me save you,
But I’m drowning myself since you withdrew.

Please. Come back.

My love,
Where did you go?
Where did my love go?

by Thalia Graves

Purple Vanilla World, 2023